Wow. And wow. Quick on the heels of the YouTube clip of a reporter interviewing a costume-wearing misfit costume shop owner comes a gem from Orlando: two minutes of forget-about-YOUR-problems-you-NEED-to-know-about-OURS! You see, it’s just “ridiculous” the way the anchors and staff of FOX’s WOFL are being treated. There’s this damn hawk doing its hawk business–flying and swooping and using its talons–and occasionally even mistaking people (who totally BELONG there, not like that idiot hawk and its stupid NEST!) for threats to its hatching young.
So on FOX 35’s 5 o’clock news, the oh-so-irritated anchors just HAD to get this off their chests! “It’s dangerous and ridiculous at the same time,” said anchor Amy Kaufeldt, wagging an accusatory finger at anyone watching might dare disagree this was “news.” “You need to know that a hawk is terrorizing people right here at FOX 35!” Of COURSE we need to know! And by all means, if your vending machine ever breaks or–God forbid–the A/C goes out during the summer? Let us know. If it involves you–and your hair–it’s news.
The story itself…about a hawk swooping down and “clawing at the heads” of employees might’ve made a decent story if, you know, it wasn’t so absolutely dripping with OH WOE IS US! And worse, the RAGE and IRRITATION these poor suffering defenders of the First Amendment are experiencing just TRYING TO DO THEIR JOBS! As anchor Cale Ramaker–barely able to restrain his desire to personally strangle the hawk and let everyone get back to work–explains, “the biggest frustration: we can’t do anything about it, the vicious bird is protected.” Oh, damn that Endangered Species Act! What a pile of garbage! Don’t these stupid hawks know we’ve got FOX 35 News to get on the air and we don’t have time for this?
Seriously? The biggest frustration is that the bird is “protected” and they can’t just kill it? Well, Amy and Cale, as much as I feel for you having to bear the burden of a majestic bird protecting its young, I gotta admit I’m with the hawk on this one. (And hey, hawk? Next time don’t claw at the sports guy, he seems to actually have a sense of humor. Go for Cale and Amy. They’re so focused on themselves they won’t ever see you coming.)